This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists.
Oh yeah, my man. Now it’s time to strap on your raincoat and go spelunking in the Chubby Crevasses. But before you stick it in, you’ve got some logistical issues to work out first.
The number one cockblocker of men who love big girls is the staircase. You may laugh, but many a BBW has been felled by the sheer amount of effort it takes to walk up a flight of stairs. There’s nothing worse than cramming a girl full of your cooking, then having her pass out from exhaustion when it’s time to cram your cock into her love canyon. If you live in a one-floor apartment, you obviously don’t have to worry about this, but for guys with an upstairs bedroom, you should bang her on your couch instead.
As you whisk your girl up to your bed/couch, be mindful of where/how you throw her down. A 400-pound round object hitting your bed at the speed of sex will test even the strongest frame, and repeated banging (as you will be doing once you’ve gotten the hang of picking up fatties) may cause your bed to collapse. Instead, push her onto your bed lightly, like she’s a feather instead of a whole bird.
Now that you have her down, it’s time for the disrobing. While making out with her, gradually peel her clothes off like you’re eating a banana. Start with her shirt, shoes and pants, and work your way to her underwear. If you really want to impress a girl, undo her bra with one hand while you’re kissing her. Ordinarily a tricky thing to pull off with those skinny bitches, the humongous chests of fat girls make finding the ginormous hooks needed to keep their sweater hogans in place easy.
Now that you’re both naked, it’s time for the main event. Don’t be surprised if your girl snatches your dick out of your hand and starts sucking it like she’s in the desert drinking from a water hose. Everyone knows fat girls give great head thanks to our fatphobic society making men ashamed at going out with them, so you’ll want to stop her before you nut. And trust me, you will nut quickly. Belugas love to slurp your sack-juice; you can tell her that you’ll let her suck on your semen when you’re done making love to her.
By now, you should have slipped on a rubber and gotten out your extra-large jar of K-Y. Now comes the laborious task of actually finding her pussy. Sounds like a joke, but given many orcas’ lubrication problems, combined with the friction and rubbing between their fat folds, many a man has stuck his dick in the wrong cavern. If you’re having trouble, just ask your girl, “Hey babe, where do I put it in?” She knows her body like no one else and will guide your cock to the right destination.
After spraying down her vaj, it’s clobberin’ time! Put it in and start hitting that thing like you’re heading to the guillotine tomorrow. Be sure to switch up sexual positions in order to keep your BBW from getting too tired. I recommend starting out in doggystyle, moving to cowgirl, and then finishing off in missionary. If you have an average or small penis, a dick extender really helps when she’s riding you; last thing you need is an embarrassing emergency room visit. Also, if you’re banging her on your couch, you can have her place one of her legs on the ground to make it easier for you to support her weight.
Also be careful in missionary position. While most fat girls have nice, plump tits, the sheer size of their racks can cause their tracheas to be choked off when you’re banging them. You don’t want her to suffocate in her own breast fat, so remember to place a pillow or two under her butt so she can breathe.
Once you’ve been doing her for ten or so minutes, you’ll be ready for the pop shot. You don’t want to fuck these fat bitches too long, unless you want her to pass out on you mid-thrust. Pull it out, tear the condom off and squirt straight into her mouth. Mmmm mmmm, protein!
Good job on the bang, champ. Don’t forget to change the sheets and wash up afterwards, because your room probably smells like an outhouse right now.
P.S. If you’re ready to start meeting BBWs now, click here.
Read Next: How to Date a Fat Girl
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