This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists.
Chubby chasing ain’t no foolin’ around, son. Before you can dive into the undulating blubber of a BBW, you need to work on yourself first. Here’s what you need to bang bigger girls.
Weak Men Need Not Apply
The first thing you need to be a certified fat fetishist is upper body strength. How much can you bench-press? How much can you deadlift? How long can you sprint before you collapse in a heap as your knees give out and your lungs burst into flame?
This is more important than you think. Yes, all women love men with muscle, but being cut is even more important with fat chicks because of their sheer weight. When a girl has 250-plus pounds of pure lumpy flab, you’re gonna be at best working up a sweat trying to please her, and at worst she’ll smother you beneath her blubbery rolls. I imagine that virtually all those losers who make fun of fat girls are 150-pound weaklings who couldn’t lift a funnel cake.
So if you aren’t already strong enough to change the tire on a Camry without a jack, you not only won’t be able to give any curvy girl the love that she deserves, you run the risk of injuring yourself in the process. Get thee to a gymnasium and start throwing some iron before you start hunting wildebeests. If you’re looking for a program that will help you put on some muscle quickly, I recommend Mark Rippetoe’s Starting Strength. If you’re on a budget and/or you just don’t like going to the gym (I don’t blame you, bunch of prejudiced fatphobic douchebags hang out there), try Convict Conditioning.
Fat Girls Like it Big
When fat girls say there’s “more of them to love,” they mean that in every respect, including their pussies. BBWs have wider and longer vaginas, meaning that pricks that satisfy starving, anorexic models won’t even scrape the voluminous amounts of K-Y needed to lubricate their tunnels of love.
Put simply, if you don’t have a big, thick dick, you’re at a steep disadvantage when it comes to chubby chasing. And both of those dimensions are important. Penis girth not only gives the girl more pleasure, it protects you from accidental cock bends; bigger girls have snapped skinnier dicks from the sheer awesomeness of their weight. Trying to bang a fat girl in cowgirl position with an insufficiently meaty cock is like popping laxatives before chowing down at Taco Bell.
I’m fortunate in that I was blessed with a nine-inch meat wrench with the circumference of a bratwurst, giving me the ability to make fat girls gush like a leaky soda machine. But if you weren’t gifted with a big crotch rocket, there is something you can do about it, and no, it doesn’t involve painful surgery or little blue pills. I’m talking about dick extenders: cock-shaped silicone sex toys you can slip over your penis to make it longer and harder. They’re also designed to help you last longer in bed, so if you’re having performance issues, you’ll want to check them out as well. You can get a quality penis extender from any sex shop or adult store. A warning, though: if you use silicone-based lubes, they will cause your dick extender to dissolve and break. If you do decided to buy yourself a cock extender, you’ll need to use water-based lubes instead.
Bon Appetit!
The way to a manatee’s heart is through her stomach, and that means you need serious culinary chops in order to seal the deal. You might be able to subsist on TV dinners and Panda Express as a swinging bachelor, but fat girls have seen—and eaten—it all. You need to step your kitchen game up in order to impress them.
While I don’t have any specific recommendations, any recipes you learn to woo fat chicks need to meet these requirements: be low in protein and fats and high in carbohydrates. This diet will tire her out and make her fatter, and the lack of protein will weaken her mentally and make her more susceptible to your manly charms.
The reason why many cults force their adherents to eat a vegetarian, vegan or otherwise protein-deficient diet is because protein is a vital nutrient for brain and muscle function. Without it, people become more pliable and easier to dominate. That’s precisely what you want to do with your cooking: turn fat girls into slaves to your dick. I’ll talk more about turning your culinary skills into notches later.
Fat Women Are People Too
Sounds simple, but it’s something that few men take to heart in our fatphobic society. Fat women have the same wants and needs as anyone else, and they can tell a disingenuous man from a mile away. If you talk to a fat girl with the intention of treating her differently because she needs a motorized scooter to get around, don’t be surprised if she blows you out for being a misogynistic asshat.
If you can’t talk to any girl without condescending to them, shitting your boxer briefs in fear or prematurely blasting man-mayo in your shorts from arousal, you’re not ready to chase the chubby girls. You need to develop charisma and basic social skills before you can hunt on this savannah.
If you need to work on your social skills, I recommend the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It has everything you could possibly need to become a smooth-talking, likeable guy. To learn how to talk to women specifically, I recommend Bang by Roosh V. While I don’t subscribe to the fat-bashing that he and his ilk engage in, his action plan for laying girls is simple and effective.
Now, if you’re having problems when it comes to keeping your baby batter inside your balls before it’s time to whip ’em out, I have a secret developed over years of painful shorts-soiling: Whenever it feels like you’re about to spill cream of wheat, think of skinny chicks. Adriana Lima, Gisele Bündchen, Lady Gaga after she lost weight (goddamn the sizeist media for shaming her into giving up her curves); just visualize an Auschwitz survivor and problem solved. Whenever I shut my eyes and think of Annie Clark, for example, my boner flatlines like a vegetable in the ICU during a power outage.
Always Come Prepared
Even if you have all these qualities down pat, you still need a number of supplies before you venture out onto the Serengeti. The only thing worse than a skinny, small-dicked nerd trying to pick up whales is a skinny, small-dicked nerd who forgets to bring his harpoon.
Obviously, you’ll need condoms to avoid STDs, but you’ll also need them to avoid bacterial infections. No joke: all those sweaty, dark crevasses on fat girls’ bodies provide shelter to all kinds of microscopic creepy-crawlies. Combine this with fat chicks’ already less-than-fastidious hygiene—you try being thorough when you’ve got a spare tire around your midriff—and you’ve got a health risk to even the most experienced player. Aside from blowjobs, you should never engage in any unprotected sexual activity with a fattie that you’re not in a committed relationship with.
Lube, previously thought only necessary for loosening up virgins and making middle-aged women fuckable, is an absolute necessity for porking porkers. Due to their preference for sugary soda and Twisted Teas over nutritious drinks like water or milk, most fatties lack the hydration for their pussies to lubricate properly. Even if you turn her on, you’ll have to hose down her fuck canal with K-Y if you don’t want to get turf burn on your cock. I recommend buying the industrial-sized bottles because they’re more economical.
If you’re the kind of dude who enjoys backdoor love, you’ll need to keep a good supply of enemas at your place. Because their diabesity requires them to maintain a diet high in sugar and processed foods, fat girls’ Hershey highways typically have a consistency akin to a riverbank after the snow starts to melt. Unless you enjoy getting diarrhea all over your dick (nothing wrong with that, by the way), you’ll want to help her empty her bowels before you sodomize her.
Finally, I strongly suggest you get an air freshener for your room. Fat girls sweat a whole lot more than those skinny bitches, and their odors of love can overwhelm the chubby chasing newbie. Buy yourself a Glade air freshener so that your bedroom stays fragrant throughout your fatty fucking adventures. Hell, buy two just in case.
Once you’ve gotten these fundamentals down, then you’re ready to slay some hippos with your spear of doom. We’ll get started in the next chapter.
P.S. If you’re ready to start meeting BBWs now, click here.
Read Next: Why Fat Girls Don’t Deserve to Be Loved
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